I used to remain extremely depressed when I was 18 years old. To be very honest, I was a loner. I felt lonely and tired in a crowded room filled with unknown people. I would go to my apartment and just sit there for hours doing nothing. Everything used to remain quiet, lonely and still. A few creaking sounds made by an old wooden door used to break the shackles of silence.
I used to leave the television on just to feel that somebody was there with me all the time. As many as seven years have rolled by, but my situation happens to be quite similar to what it was back then. The biggest irony in the world is to have 500 friends on Facebook and yet be so terribly depressed and lonely.
In all fairness, there is absolutely no pleasure in being lonely. The trouble with me is not that I am depressed and likely to stay depressed, but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely for the rest of my life. It seems as though there is a hole in this world, and I find myself walking around that hole constantly during the daytime. I tend to jump into that hole during wee hours of the night.
Moments before falling asleep, I tend to feel alive, with a thousand fragments of unspoken thoughts flying through my mind. I have this habit of bringing each moment into the bed with me much like a five-year-old brings pencils and pens. And then, I turn motionless and fall into the depths of sleep, just like a lump of sugar melts away in a child’s mouth.
Well, when I had a closer look at my plight, I realised that there is a huge difference between being lonely and being alone. I reach home at around 8 PM every night and start abusing my Netflix subscription. I also love to roam around aimlessly on a lazy Saturday evening. I have always had to struggle in order to keep myself away from being overwhelmed by people. Well, it is not the easiest thing to do, but you tend to get used to it as the years roll by. There are people who believe you’re ‘egoistic’ just because you don’t talk. Not everybody understands the meaning of silence.
Quite frankly, no price is too high to pay if you wish to experience the pleasure of ‘owning yourself’. At times, it becomes absolutely necessary for you to take out time for yourself. It provides you with an opportunity to rejuvenate yourself.
I must also admit that I was quite an annoying student and used to ask a lot of questions. Not much of it changed after I graduated. I was quite an introvert when I started working as a copyeditor for one of the leading financial dailies. Back then, I was untouched by joy or sorrow and used to work tirelessly.
Just because I am an introvert, you’d be thinking that I don’t have friends. Well, that’s not true. I do have a small circle of good friends, and I must admit that I have been quite fortunate to have a bunch of jolly good friends. No matter how dire the circumstances are, they are always ready to help me out with things. I love indulging in constructive arguments with friends over a hearty cup of coffee, but I won’t jump into an argument just for the sake of gaining attention.
To end it all on a positive note, I would like to say that I’ve seen great men being lonely. Ah, I am not saying I am a great man:). I am a lonely little chap who feels shy while eating in front of too many people. At times, people set up extremely high standards for themselves that they are bound to feel lonely. But at the same time, loneliness becomes an integral part of their ability to create something out of the extra-ordinary.
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